How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Randomize
