This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
