I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
