Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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