You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
