I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
