At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
