Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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