a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
