i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
