Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
