so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
