Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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