A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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