Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
