I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
