Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Text me some of your sweat
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