i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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