You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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