Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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