grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
