If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
