Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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