This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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