I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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