I just threw up on my dentist
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We smell like vodka and hangover
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