The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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