I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
