i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
