I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
