and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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