I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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