I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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