I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
