Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
