If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Congratulations! We have a period
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
