Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
