awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
