Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
