Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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