youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
