She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
