Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
