The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
