Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
