i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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