i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
