TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
