just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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