can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The best revenge is premature balding
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
