I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
