its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
