So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
