Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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