Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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