Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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