i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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