you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
