we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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