Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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