Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
