three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i came on her dog
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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