Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
