i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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