So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
