i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
