Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am one with the molecules
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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