My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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