I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
